A Heartwriting!

Some days ago early in the morning, I just saw a pigeon who was flickering in our corridor. Two windows on the both opposite walls were open, but it was as if his fear and brain storm led to his blindness; so that he couldn’t find his way out!

I was panicked! The scene took my breath away…because I’m simply a superstitious person who counts on the signs, especially those which happen early in the morning! And I saw myself a useless body, unable to do anything…

I just stayed still until the poor pigeon after some painful moments struggling with the walls which maybe he thought to be his eternal cage, found his way at last! I could understand how released he felt after embracing the sky for another time… I knew that day he would obviously comprehend the gift of freedom and would try to appreciate it the best…

I simply envied him!

He found his way out just in some moments, but I really don’t know how long it is that I am imprisoned behind the bars of an unidentified cage. A cage which I even don’t know if it is externally existent or it’s a simple internal illusion.

a watery pigeon in the rose's prison!

It’s for a long time that I feel confused and unstable… unstable on my beliefs, behaviors, acts, etc. I feel as if I have lost my path! …My path? Oh! Actually I have no destination to have a single and distinct path…

I’m so tired and exhausted… and I don’t know why…
I don’t know when it did start; I can’t recognize! Whenever I examined my previous diaries, I just couldn’t find out the real moment of transforming into a prisoner!

I’m so alone and … in my desert of loneliness, there are no tears left in my eyes to help me mourning!

That’s why this land is the confusion of a prisoner’s world!

Lots of the time I tried to sit down and face the problem and solve it forever, but my tired mind doesn’t let me go on…

I have passed days of depression, days of hopelessness, and days of complete darkness… my problem maybe is due to my stream of consciousness, which blames me for a lost self definition …
Maybe living in unconsciousness provides a better life with more taste of joy!

Anyway… as the last words, I just want to say that about four years ago I believed that our spirits experience their limbo, paradise or hell in this world; and it is not the matter of postponing to the other world!

I believed that any new born child has his own level of spirit! A level which is going to progress during the stages of life and at last reaches the level of perfection, the level of all the good and appreciated qualities, namely, GOD…
In those years, through my innocent and honest eyes, I could see whether I am advancing or not, and could feel my progression in my delightful life. But during these years I guess my spirit level has regressed a lot…because my life has no quality of paradise or something like that!

I don’t know whether they call it depression or whatever! But, all I can do is to envy that pigeon again…because of his re-found freedom, his infinite blue sky, and his two wings which let him fly and run away to wherever he wishes…